DoorDash's Q3 2025 Report: Still Delivering, or Just Delivering Spin?

Okay, DoorDash. Another quarter, another press release crammed with numbers and corporate buzzwords. Let's cut the crap and see what's really going on behind that carefully constructed facade, shall we?

They’re patting themselves on the back for "accelerated Y/Y growth." Translation: They're still growing, but how much of that is real growth and how much is just inflation jacking up the prices? Total Orders up 21%? Marketplace GOV (whatever the hell that is) up 25%? Revenue up 27%? Sounds great on paper, but what about the average person struggling to afford groceries? Are they really ordering more, or just paying more for the same crap?

And then there's this gem: "nearly $24 billion in combined sales for merchants and earnings for Dashers." Oh, how generous of them! Like they're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. Let's be real, that $24 billion is circulating through DoorDash, with them taking a hefty cut off the top. It's not charity; it's a business. A business built on the backs of drivers grinding it out for peanuts and restaurants handing over a huge percentage of their profits.

The Deliveroo Debacle

Oh, and let's not forget the Deliveroo acquisition. £2.8 billion, including cash and short-term investments acquired. They're "excited about the quality of talent joining our team." I bet they are. More bodies to squeeze for every last drop of productivity. They expect Deliveroo to contribute approximately $45 million to their Adjusted EBITDA in Q4 2025 and approximately $200 million in 2026.

But wait, there's a catch! Aligning accounting treatments will REDUCE Deliveroo's contribution to Adjusted EBITDA by $32-40 million in 2026. So, what's the real story? Are they trying to bury something here? I mean, offcourse, they're saying all the right things about "long-term focus" and "deep attention to detail," but come on. This sounds like a recipe for a cultural clash and a whole lot of wasted money. Will this effect the doordash stock price? Probably.

I'm sorry, but I'm just not buying the PR spin. It's like they think we're all a bunch of morons who can't read between the lines.

Investing in the Future... Or Just Burning Cash?

They're also talking about "investing in new initiatives and platform development." Oh, boy. More "innovative" ways to nickel and dime us, I'm sure. Autonomous Delivery Platform? Dot, their "customized autonomous delivery robot?" Give me a break. That's years away from being viable, and it's just going to put more drivers out of work when it finally arrives. Is this really "progress," or just a way to pump up the doordash stock price by promising a Jetsons-like future that will never fully materialize?

And a "new global technology platform?" Multi-year effort, started in 2024, expected to accelerate in 2026. Sounds expensive. Sounds like a massive distraction. Sounds like something that's going to be plagued with bugs and cost overruns. I bet uber is laughing all the way to the bank.

I'm all for innovation, but let's be real: DoorDash is a delivery app. How much "innovation" does it really need? Are they trying to become Skynet or something?

Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe I'm just too cynical. Maybe I should just sit back, order some overpriced takeout, and watch the world burn.

A Tangent About My Garbage Disposal

Speaking of burning, my garbage disposal just went on the fritz again. Seriously, is it too much to ask for a garbage disposal that lasts more than six months? This is why I can't have nice things. Everything is designed to break. Planned obsolescence, baby! Just like DoorDash's promises of a glorious future.

The Hype Train Has Left the Station—Without Me